Job Interview


It’s a pleasure to meet you; thanks for inviting me out. May I say, I’ve never been in an office quite this large before, and that galaxy displayed in the corner is charming. How does it rotate like that? Some kind of motor? Oh, a combination of the black hole in the center and inertia? Fascinating.

Listen, I know your time is valuable. Where would you like me to sit? My goodness, this is really very comfortable. Cumulus padding? I’ll have to get one of these. Again, thank you for the opportunity to come out and interview for this position. I think you’ll find I’m more than qualified.

As you can see from my résumé, I’ve had loads of leadership experience — and all from a young age. I was a Cub Scout, two weeks of experience, and I tried out for t-ball. Things didn’t go the way I wanted them to, so I moved onto other projects: playing pretend mostly and tons of television. Even earlier than that, I showed executive leadership skills when my older sister tried to boss me around. Sure, I usually went along with whatever she said, but it was only because I wanted to, and I could have said no to her at anytime; I just chose not to.

I won’t bore you with the details of my meteoric rise through elementary school, though if you’d like to peruse the records I provided, I think my macaroni art speaks for itself.

My more recent experience? I taught science for a few years to middle schoolers, so I should have a pretty good handle on how weather and organisms work. Quantum physics? Does that have something to do with the Higgs-Boson collider? I’m not as up to speed on that but willing to learn.

My other skills include listening well, so I should be able to handle the whole prayer thing. As far as being omnipotent, omnipresent, and omniscient, I always did well in school, so I should pick those up rather quickly.

Can I be straight with you? The real reason I’m here is because even though the work this office does appears to hum along, the guy in charge neglects His duties. Listen, I’ve got nothing personal against Him, it’s just one hears things, you know? In this industry, you keep your eyes open, you start noticing cracks in the foundation.

You want specifics? Where do I start? For one, turnaround time. Loads of room for improvement in customer service. I can’t begin to count the number of times I’ve contacted this office with equipment requests, and they’ve all gone unanswered. I need a boat. My neighbor’s is just beautiful, and I know I’d be so much happier if the boat I got was better than his.

Also, what’s with all the rules? You can’t even be honest about your mother-in-law without breaking like half the commandments. Those bad boys are a few thousand years overdue for a rehaul if you ask me.

If I get hired for this position, people will no longer have to wait for anything. Can you imagine no more suffering? I would just get rid of all the bad people. You know, the ones that hurt others, that do harm. With all that power, I’d just snap my fingers and make all the rapists and murderers disappear.

Yeah, I suppose that bad people refers to more than just rapists and murderers. While I was at it, I’d take care of abusers, the fat cats getting rich off the poor, used car salesmen, and lawyers. Naw, I’m just kidding about the lawyers, though the world would probably be a much better place minus the used car salesmen. I’d get rid of poison ivy and mosquitoes too. And lima beans. Those things are just nasty.

What do I think about Grace? You mean the receptionist? She was nice enough, though I found the wings a bit ridiculous and her glowing personality hard to take. It was difficult not falling down in fear before her.

Oh, you mean grace the concept. That thing where guilty people get let off, scot-free? I am not about that; people need to learn the limits. Some jerk cut me off on the way here, and I did my best to let him know the danger he put me in, but he just kept on going. You give me this job, that dude will pay for what he did. Why are you looking at me that way? Instead of pity or compassion or whatever that is in your eyes, you should see me with respect.

Listen, Jesus. I know You and God are close. I get that. He’s impressive, but You’ve hitched Your wagon to His star for millennia now, and it’s time to pick a different pony. Face it, I’m the best man for this job. Without me in charge, the universe will continue to wear out like an old garment, and people will keep on getting away with murder. If God really loves everyone the way He says He does, He’ll turn in His two-weeks notice today, and if You know what’s best for everybody, You’ll snatch me up immediately.

I don’t want to put any undo pressure on you, but I’m considering quitting my job so my wife can support me as I try my hand at being an author. I’m pretty good at writing, so when my first novel hits it big, I won’t be interested in running the universe anymore. You may want to let me know in the next few days.

That being said, I won’t take up any more of Your time. These chocolates are heavenly. You won’t mind if I grab a few for the road? Thanks.

Remember what I said about that boat, and let me have a good rest of my day. Please heal the pain in my leg, and I pray our new neighbors aren’t complete jerks. Sorry, can’t talk anymore; gotta catch up on Game of Thrones. Keep it real, Jesus!