I thought I was sick last night. The wife had just overcome a week-long bout with flu, and I experienced trouble eating.
If you know me, this is quite the red flag. When I sit down to eat, I don’t mess around. As others converse between bites, I take breaths. I can eat with chopsticks now because when we dated, the wife forced me to use them in hopes of slowing me down.
It didn’t work.
Aside from lessened appetite, I felt weak.
Turns out, it wasn’t the flu, it was anxiety eating me up.
I do this thing when I don’t think I can complete a task successfully, I procrastinate in getting it done. If I fear failure, I’ll put off working on it. Trouble is, the more I put it off, the less time I give myself to complete it, and the more I feel I’ll fail, so I procrastinate further.
It’s this crazy cycle where I put off something to avoid failure, but in the doing, I invite failure all the more. “This seems difficult. Let’s give myself as little time as possible in which to complete it. That makes perfect sense.”
What’s worse is that in the meantime, I mentally berate myself for putting off the task. “You had this to do a month ago, idiot. Finish it.” I freeze myself with fear, avoiding doing a poor job and inviting failure all the more.
It’s been a long time since I manifested physical symptoms over a task I avoided, but here I was, suspecting the flu when I knew it was anxiety tying me up in knots, and denying it in further procrastination.
The worst (best?) part was, I finally faced my fear today, taking on the task I long avoided, and (as usual) it went much faster than I expected it would. Part of me celebrates this victory, finding out the task I long avoided was much easier than I expected it to be, while another part of me wants to beat myself up further for avoiding something so simple.
I’ve done this much of my life. How do I break the cycle?
Face. My. Fears.
That’s it. That’s all I have to do: face my fears. I believe in a God who defeated sin and death, who welcomes me into his presence where fear holds no power, so why do I keep on giving my old enemy authority over me when he no longer holds any power?
I know I’m not the only procrastinator out there, not the only perfectionist. There is hope. Things aren’t as difficult as you think they are. Face your fears. They’re mostly just vapors and mist. You are far more capable than you realize, and you don’t wage these battles alone. Confess your fears. Shine the light of day on them, and see how insignificant they really are.
I’m rooting for you.